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Mastectomy Is A Shocking Word

Good morning!

Happy to say I’ve had my surgery and I’m OK. It went very well, I thought. Though, when I saw the word ‘Partial Mastectomy‘ on my paperwork, it sent me for a loop.

What a word.

They ended up taking more tissue than expected…as it turned out there was an infection and more than one cyst. They took the ducts too.

I’m all bandaged up with clear tape and am pleasantly surprised that, so far, I’m not in any pain, at all. I’m taking antibiotics for the infection, for a week. Have a pain killer prescription as well but haven’t had to fill it, at least not yet.

I’m sleeping a lot. Dreaming a lot. Knitting a lot. Kind of emotional. I wonder if it’s normal to be a little hormonal after something like this?

Then again, what is this ‘normal’?

I hope this is the end of it. May the infection clear and the healing go easy.

Thanks for your support, Samm and Joansie. I appreciated it, a lot!

Scattered!

I feel like I’m going in too many directions, lol. Of course, it’s self inflicted. Trying to do too much at once usually is.

I need to clean the house, really well, the BIG stuff -you know!- walls, floors…all of that. The day to day is fine…I usually sneak a bit of cleaning into every room while I’m there and that keeps it quite manageable most of the time. Unfortunately this other stuff still builds up and needs doing! WHEN will they invent the self cleaning house?!

I had a bad week this last week…first the lovliest week of the month…yeah…which is quite excellent since having the four children…AND a toothache/infection in my lower jaw which was NOT very fun at all. When the pain finally became sharp and stabbing and extended from my ear to my chin I caved and began taking a prescription for a tooth infection. We had the prescription here from my husband (tends to NOT touch his prescriptions!) and though I ‘should’ have gone to the emergency room to be prescribed some of the same thing I made the executive decision to go ahead and take it. It was definitely the right thing my friends! :) The ache is completely gone, the jaw is feeling much better and the swelling is going down. The positives took over after only two doses where advil hadn’t touched the pain for the past two days. I’m going to take the prescription correctly and finish the week’s worth…then I’m going to call my dentist and have this tooth or teeth (I suspect it’s two teeth) pulled. That’s another story…aging with bad teeth isn’t a pretty thing…I hate how my teeth are but they are and I have to accept reality, right?!

I need to finish the pair of child socks I started a couple days ago with the left over ‘candy stripe yarn’. And NO, I don’t know a child who can wear them…a very random effort geared toward some fabulous day when I can accumulate anough ‘extra’ knitting to rent a stall at a Christmas sale or something.

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I need, also, to finish the dishcloth I started yesterday…I can’t quite say but I think I was feeling bored, lol. It looked easy and quick…I was in the mood for easy and quick!

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I need? ok, want :) to finish the spinning I’ve started…working toward a cabled sock yarn. I’ve never done a cabled yarn and so, in the spirit of learning everything I can – I’m working on some. I want to work from full bobbins this time though, so – IF I’m really lucky and it works out well – I can make more than socks with it in the end.

Beautiful Sun!

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The sun is shining and the rain is gone…for now :) I love a sunny day…it revives me.

I’m going to do a ton of laundry, I love hanging it out to dry. It began because I don’t have my dryer yet – still in ‘storage’ – I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever see it again! – but I really like it. I know I’m not wasting power and I like the way the laundry feels and smells :) Even the jeans and towels!

Baked some beautiful muffins yesterday…raspberry lemon…

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They are fantastic…the recipe was originally for a cranberry muffin but I had frozen raspberries and I thought the lemon and raspberry would go well together, which they DID! The icing is just a glaze of icing sugar and lemon juice.

I’m almost done spinning the yarn for my son…I am so pleased too! I am sure I’ll get at least another 350 metres out of this last bit, maybe even 400 :) That should give me enough to make him a nice cabled sweater…

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I’m hoping to finish spinning it while the kids are at school today. I’d like to clean up our deck and get outside for a while. It’s definitely a spin-friendly deck – covered concrete front porch that spans the front of the house, actually. An excellent place to shelter the baby plants now that I’ve moved them outside. I forgot about them last night!!! Thank goodness there wasn’t frost here like they said might happen.

My husband is broken…well, slightly damaged – we’re going with that – he tore his main muscle in his right arm (is a construction foreman in the concrete business) and now can hardly move his arm at all. He’s gotten a sling to wear and spent yesterday sleeping because he got so little rest the night before. They say he needs to keep from using the arm for about a week…he’s going to have to actually supervise instead of jumping in and doing the work for a while.

The dogs spent yesterday comforting him :) They like to keep him company…

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Have an excellent day!

Another Yarn :)

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I’ve finished the first skein of two ply seacell/silk from the rovings I purchased at the black lamb!! I have 242.5 metres of a roughly dk weight thick/thin yarn. I love it! It’s a nice light natural beige and I am SO hoping I have enough to make myself the tank/shrug I want. We shall soon see!

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About Time…

So, I’ve entered my laceweight into the spinning contest I’ve been talking about. I couldn’t take the waiting for someone else to enter so I’m the first entry, lol. Here’s the finished yarn…

sakinaneedles 2ply laceweight 333 m/40 m

I’m happy as can be with it. I’m planning to make the Ice Queen pattern from knitty.com with it using some glass seed beeds in pink and amber shades. I also have blue and an ivory so they are always options too. I think it’s a great choice because it’s superwash yarn and will be easy to care for. The colours are perfect too I think!

2ply lace weight - dusty cornflower - sakina needles

My daughter’s cardigan is coming along well…done the main knitting and working on seaming and trim today. I hope to have enough yarn left for the trim but it’s ok if I end up spinning more. The last of the singles are still on the bobbins to give me a ‘starting weight’ to copy. That’s how I spun the yarn for it so far. I think the leftover helps a lot to keep the weight the same. I’ve been just joining onto the leftover and continuing the strand rather than worrying about emptying the bobbins and starting fresh. I have no idea how others spin for large projects but this works for me!

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Processing…

Change is difficult. Trying to accept reality REALISTICALLY can be difficult.

I’ve always, always thought that it was my job, my role, my burden to be the ‘adult’, to forgive them for what they do but do not understand, to understand they are doing their best with who and what they are. To not take it all personally. To rise above it.

What does it mean though if they aren’t doing thier best. If they are, instead, throwing every evil thing at me because I can take it? Because I am ‘safe’? Because they know that though I will be sad, I will be hurt, I will cry…I’ll always, or at least in the past I would always, be there to take some more, to forgive them, to make it ‘ok’ for them.

It is incredibly hard to be a daughter to my parents…beyond hard it is painful and unfair and I don’t know anymore if I have it in me to be forgiving. At this point, I’m not sure I understand how to forgive anymore. I’m all out of ‘it’s ok’.

Enright and the Human Development Study Group propose that:

Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion, and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them. The important parts of this definition are as follows: a) one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing resentment; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other accrues, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender (Subkoviak, Enright, Wu, Gassin, Freedman, Olson, Sarinopoulos, 1992, p.3).

I can no longer overcome the negative affect and judgement that I hold towards my parents. I can no longer excuse the behaviour, the words, the actions, the opinions or the viewpoints they live by and hold close. I just can’t and I feel so very guilty.

I was raised in the church and I always knew that Jesus showed the ultimate forgiveness…’forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do’.

I’ve always known that it was mostly to my own benefit to forgive. Forgiveness allows me to move on, it allows me to know I am a good person, in spite of the way they have treated me. That’s why it was so important to me to learn it, to feel it and to overcome all of these things, when I was younger and dealing with all of the things I had to deal with after living in their home for two short years. This was after dealing with the hurts and resentments I felt so strongly after my mother left us when I was a ten year old child. Snuck away is more accurate than leaving. I don’t think she understood or felt that she owed us even an explanation. It was never important to her to make it ok for us.

Now I’m feeling guilt…just for speaking so bluntly (when there is so much more I could say) about the realities that occurred. See how difficult it can be to face reality realistically? I could continue in the ‘family approved’ manner of glossing over her mistakes, smoothing out her indiscretions, pretending it wasn’t the most devestating things that she chose to do. That’s how we’ve been doing it for so long that to do anything else becomes something she isn’t willing to forgive!

As her child – and she expects this from each child – it’s my job to help her rationalize her terrible mistakes, to help her feel good, to never expect her to acknowledge what she’s done and to definitely NOT expect her to ever take responsiblity for the effects she has caused.

She clings to a man who helps her feel good, the man who has rationalized the whole thing with her for over 20 years…a man who disregards all people other than himself because he is such a raging narcissist that he cannot even see them at all.

The fact that I’m crying right now tells me that the wounds are deep and the hurts are still fresh…it’s so much easier when I don’t really access them…when I allow them to be forgotten. And then I wonder if it is healthy to do so…if it is healthy to ‘forget’ the unforgettable, to forgive the unforgiveable, to excuse the unexcuseable.

I learned as a child that the only way to interact with her is to expect nothing and to appreciate everything. She bends under expectations, fails, falters…she cannot take the pressure…she requires appreciation and compassion because she still to this day is immersed in the things that she grew up with and though I understand that…that cannot be my burden. Yet it leaves me wondering…does she not see that by creating another generation of hell, she hasn’t eased her own pain but has only amplified it and passed it on to the rest of us? Does she not see how basically UNJUST that is?

Understanding that she is emotionally limited and that she will never understand that in any true sense…any feeling sense…doesn’t really make it better, just a little more hopeless. I am sure that my peace will come from within me, from the God within me and my innate spirituality, from my loving family that I have created. Seeking peace with the abusers will not heal me, will not heal them…will not change anything. It merely encourages a part of me that is still a child…encourages her to hope, to wish, to want…to seek all that isn’t and has never been there.

Well, enough for one day!

The sun is shining and I feel so much better just for having worked out a few of the things I am feeling :)

Crap!

Good morning…yeah, lets go with that. 

Miss Daisy isn’t pregnant, she was having a false pregnancy after all.  We’re dissapointed but at the same time, it’ll be better to let her have babies some day when she is older :)  I’d like to do that sometime, maybe in a year (she’ll be two).

Ahh, and we’re looking for another house around here.  We need to rent but it’s SO HARD to find anywhere which wants pets around!  Living here is like living with the daily drama and I’m just not able to do it anymore.  (The brief story — we moved in with my parents to help us- we had a mortgage tragedy and couldn’t refinance- and to help them-financially)  It’s complicated, crazy and unbearable.  It’s just so dissapointing…we had another house lined up at the time and decided to do this because when my mom suggested it I thought it was BETTER.  I was seriously suffering from temporary insanity I think.   The only thing wrong with the other house was the size and I bet we would have made it work.

I feel like I made such a bad decision in bringing them here.  Now the kids have to adjust all over again to moving (and we’ve only been here 2.5 months so far).  Our son is absolutely fine with it (the girls say its cause he’s a boy) and the girls seem to have reached the despair point.  You know – ‘I don’t care’ when you know for sure they do!

I’m crossing my fingers that the very best will happen and we will find the right house for us SOON.  We’re in the Alliston area, country area really, so I’d think there must be someone willing to rent to a dog owner! 

Here We Go!

So, today is MOVING DAY. 

Tomorrow is moving day too, as needed…but we need to build a fence for the dogs at the new house this weekend as well. 

The house is nearly empty…the children are off to school today and I will clean the upstairs when they are gone.  I’m going to take a bunch of pictures when it’s empty…to show the condition it is in and how it was left.  I think it’s important.

I need to find a burst of energy so I can get everything done today!  The fact I haven’t shattered as of yet says to me that I can make it.  This whole thing has been very difficult…I’m looking forward to having it over and settling in.  Christmas, atm, seems like an afterthought, another small detail….usually its the centre of my season.

I think I may be offline for a few days at least.  The new house has dial up :(  I’m thinking of getting some accelerator software and trying that?  Can’t hurt.  I’m so used to the highspeed!  Bell offers a free dial up accelerator BUT for one it is not necessarily recommended for Vista and two, it only accelerates 5x….the others I’ve looked at talk about 19x….I like 19 much more than 5! :) 

3 Days and Counting…

Yes, the move. 

We move in three days, over the friday/saturday and I am exhausted already!

I have to get cleaning this house up so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed.  Of course that means finding the energy to do it.  I have to steam clean the carpets yet, clean the floors/cupboards/closets.  The walls, save a couple which are covered in graffiti (the joys of children – and this is teenage graffiti not fit for most people to look at), are pretty good – we painted a couple of years ago.  The graffit walls will be painted.  Good enough I hope because I don’t have the time, money or inclination to do more.  We have a good ‘one coat white’ paint that I hope will manage to cover the marks.

We have loads of furniture yet…a load for our daughter (in storage) until she gets a room or a place, for us – the piano, table and chairs, computer and table, tv/electronics, three dressers, two beds, a bunk bed set, some boxes, the garage (yikes on the garage) and I think thats it.  Sounds so little…I like it in a list!  In person, it’s not as great.

Here’s the plan…tomorrow carpets will be cleaned.  Also, I’m hoping we have all of the stuff for our daughter in storage – including her couch/chair.  All bedding will be washed tomorrow and hopefully we can move a load to my parents in the meantime.  Then friday it’s a trip to the dump, tackling the nasty garage and we’ll take as much as possible in the truck out to my parents.  Hopefully we can do this without renting a big truck.  Money is money and the more we have right now the better.  I can’t believe Christmas is coming so soon.  Final cleaning and loads on saturday and we’re done.  Again, I like this in a list, lol.